In a recent social media post, I encouraged you to be brave when you are crapping yourself inside, to be courageous, and to channel your favourite super hero, and to listen to the voice in your heart and soul and to honour it.
I know. Easier said then done right? So how did I make that leap?
Well, I have been reflecting on this ever since I promised you all a blog post on this, and it's been challenging trying to get my thoughts together. I asked myself, what is it that I want to say?
I reflected on the vastness of the subject 'satya' (truth) and I kept wondering where do I start? When I think about satya, I reflect on my truth, what my present reality is, who I really am as a soul, and what my purpose in life is. It takes a great deal of effort to dig deep and to not shy away from what you see.
One specific scenario helped me to see my satya last year. It was when I was doing my Chi Kri Gold Adult Yoga Teacher training exam, the culmination of 18 months of hard work. Standing up on your mat in front of your fellow students and teachers is a nerve wracking and vulnerable experience, there is no where to hide, all eyes are on you.
The backdrop to all this was a landscape of pain and loss. I had just returned to London, a few days before my practical teaching exam. I had been away in India to participate in the rituals for my mother-in-law's passing. My Crohns Disease was also playing up, as my stomach was all tied up and anxious with everything going on. (There was more pain, but that's for another blog post I am working on). There was the temptation to throw the towel in and say no, I can't do this exam.
There is something about death which puts a perspective on things, something as immense to me at the time like an exam became less of a fear. Whilst doing well in my practical teaching exam was extremely important to me, I managed to consciously detach myself from the exam result, and all the corresponding feelings of fear, self doubt, nerves and anxiety.
How did I do that? What was the journey that took me there?
1. I knew myself so I believed in myself
I am not a lazy student, I am conscientious and hard working. In spite of challenging circumstances, I found time to create a yoga plan to teach in my exam. So how could I think I was going to let myself down when teaching in my exam? We all need to trust ourselves and our innate abilities.
2. Deep down, I know my purpose
Thanks to my Guru and my Chi Kri Yoga Teachers, the yogi in me is growing. I am here to spread the good word yoga and all it's immeasurable gifts. So the show must go on - therefore on exam day just before my exam time, I was all charged up, and I was actually eagerly waiting to be let into the exam room!
3. I allowed myself to be vulnerable
And it does not come easily to me!
I surrendered myself and my tears in meditation.
I accepted the fact that I was not omnipotent, I was not as ready as I liked myself to be and I openly shared that with my Chi Kri Yoga teachers. For a perfectionist that is damn hard to do! But you can do it too, what is the worse that can happen? Be brave and allow love and support to come your way.
4. Know that this is all happening for a reason
I know, I know, this can sound so trite but I genuinely believe it and it's for the benefit of our soul learning and growing. It also reinforced my life experiences and thinking that nothing good has come to me without hard work or a struggle. I am a warrior and I know that there is no black hole that I won't climb out of, I have done it time and time again.
5. Know that this too shall pass
Life is like a wheel, sometimes you are at the top, sometimes you are at the bottom but the wheel keeps moving and so must we.
When I joined the Chi Kri Gold Yoga Course I sensed that I was stepping into a circle of light and love, a family, and I am immensely grateful and indebted to all the teachers and students who held the space for me to grow, and who continue to do so. Without their love, and the love from my Guru, my family and friends, I could not have stood strong in my truth.